Foley is Good: WWE/Home Alone comparison

As Christmas is upon us, I got thinking of one of my favourite books, Foley is Good (written by Mick Foley), and a section of the book that pleased me, and also made me laugh. Towards the back of the book there is an epilogue - written by Foley in February 2001 updating everyone on what he had done from the time he'd finished writing the book up until that time.

Most notably was that of a study that Foley had done in response to an Indiana University study into how 'filthy', distasteful and violent Raw was at that time (February '98 - January '99). Foley broke down his findings of the violent acts that he witnessed, and then compared them to the Christmas family favourite film, Home Alone. These findings were gathered by Foley, partly in jest, but show that back then - and maybe still a little today - wrestling was seen as the bad guy, even though there's a lot of other unsavoury shows/films out there that are readily available to children.

The following is an extract from the book; highlighting the results of his research in comparison to the events/violence that happens in Home Alone:

"...I wasn't able to itemize Dr. Ganz's incidents of violence, so instead chose to go with my list of 169 (which was multiplied by 2.5 to give a fifty-week total of 422), which can be itemized as follows:

1. chair - 48
2. garbage can or cookie sheet - 34
3. title belt - 19
4. kendo stick - 17
5. mannequin head - 11
6. brass knuckles - 7
7. broomstick - 4
8. table piece - 3
9. stairs - 11
10. timekeeper's bell - 4
11. shovel - 2
12. road sign - 2
13. acoustic guitar - 4
14. coffeemaker - 1
15. pipe - 1
16. sledgehammer - 1
17. turnbuckle - 1

As part of my research I went to the video store, where I picked out the PG-rated family favourite Home Alone and took inventory of the violence that transpired therein. The results were impressive:

1. shot from one-foot range with pellet gun to testicles
2. shot from one-foot range from pellet gun to head
3. four-foot fall from slip on ice to concrete
4. fall down icy flight of stairs
5. fall on back of head after slip on ice
6. steam iron falling fifteen feet onto victim's face
7. hand on red-hot doorknob
8. nail in foot, followed by a six-foot fall backward onto concrete
9. blowtorch sets head on fire for seven seconds
10. slip on concrete
11. step with bare feet on glass
12. two slips on toys and fall backward on concrete
13. two swinging paint cans, making direct contact with human face after fifteen-foot swing
14. tarantula bite
15. blow to ribs with crowbar
16. fifteen-foot swing directly into brick wall
17. two blows with a snow shovel to the head

While traveling with the World Wrestling Federation, I consulted Dr. Robert Quarrels, who is a board-certified family practitioner, with an emphasis on sports medicine. I asked Dr. Quarrels to look at the separate lists of violent acts and to offer his expert explanation of the expected consequences of such acts.
First the wrestling:

1. chair - possible concussion, laceration, contusion
2. garbage can or cookie sheet - possible laceration and contusion
3. title belt - contusion, possible laceration, possible concussion
4. kendo stick - contusion, possible laceration
5. mannequin head - too ridiculous to warrant a medical opinion

I think you get the idea. With the exception of the sledgehammer shot, which was to the knee, and the brass knuckles, which were only used in one match, we're basically talking about cuts, bruises, and possible concussions. Now let's look at the movie.
Home Alone:

1. pellet to testicles - penetrate scrotum, severe contusion of testicle, and could disrupt small vessels that conduct seminal fluids. May result in complete dysfunction of testicle
2. pellet to head - severe contusion, no probable penetration
3. four-foot fall from slip on ice - concussion, possible vertebral fractures at various levels, bulging or herniated discs. Subdural hematoma, or other forms of cerebral hemorrhage. Possible broken hip or pelvis
4. fall down stairs - concussion, intracranial bleeding, possible lower external fracture, vertebral fracture, hip fracture
5. fall on head following slip on ice - see #3
6. iron on face - skull fractures, blow-out fracture of orbit, facial nerve disruption, concussion, intracranial bleeds
7. hand on red-hot doorknob - severe second-degree burns
8. nail in foot - puncture wound could disrupt vessels in foot, exposure to tetanus, severe soft-tissue infection
9. blowtorch - third-degree burns, tissue loses all function
10. slip on concrete - see #3
11. bare feet on glass - multiple puncture wounds, risk of tetanus and infection
12. two slips on toys - see #3
13. swinging paint cans - blow-out fracture of orbit, facial fractures, dental fractures, disruption of nasal cartilage, concussion, intracranial bleeding
14. tarantula bite - possible T-toxin infection, possible neurotoxicity
15. crowbar to ribs - rib fracture, possible lung puncture and deflation due to broken rib, possible ruptured spleen
16. swing into wall - multiple fractures
17. snow shovel to head - concussion, laceration, possible skull fracture

I was so impressed with my Home Alone results that I decided to investigate the sequel, Home Alone 2. I could feel for the director while I watched this one. In some ways, I'm sure he felt the pressure to top the first one, much as I have felt pressure to top some of the big matches of my past. Here's how they topped it:

1. four bricks to the head, from a height of four stories
2. staple gun to buttocks
3. ten-foot fall backward onto concrete
4. twenty-foot fall face-first onto concrete
5. sixteen-second electrocution
6. blowtorch sets hair on fire for seven seconds
7. hundred-pound sandbag drops on head from twenty feet
8. steel object swinging ten feet into faces of two men, followed by simultaneous twenty-five-foot falls onto concrete. Steel object then drops twenty-five feet on top of them
9. heavy tool cart goes down flight of stairs and sandwiches men into wall
10. two simultaneous thirty-foot falls off a rope onto concrete

I then spoke with Dr. Quarrels about the fate of the two victims. Things were not looking too good for them. Let's take a look.

1. bricks to head - death, skull fracture, intracranial bleeding
2. staple gun to buttocks - puncture wounds
3. ten-foot fall onto concrete - impact fracture where skull caves in, various vertebral fractures, herniated discs, soft-tissue injury, lacerations, contusions, organ contusions
4. twenty-foot face-first fall on concrete - death. High likelihood of multiple skeletal extremity fractures, organ contusions, and possible ruptures, intra-abdominal bleeds, cranial injuries and bleeds
5. sixteen-second electrocution - cardiac arrest, possible death
6. blowtorch to head - flames would engulf head, definite third-degree burns, skin meltdown
7. hundred-pound sandbag - skull fracture, vertebral fracture, intracranial bleeds, paralysis, death
8. steel object to face followed by twenty-five-foot fall onto concrete - blow-out fractures of orbit, dental fractures, intracranial bleeds
9. tool cart - possible death, rib fractures, pneumothorax, organ puncture
10. thirty-foot falls - see #1, followed by contusions, facial fractures, broken bones

Pretty devastating stuff, huh? It kind of makes you wonder why Joe Pesci and Daniel Stern,the victims of this deadly abuse, aren't kicking ass and taking names in the World Wrestling Federation."

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As I mentioned before, Foley collected these results as a comedic response to the unfair, and negative, attention that the University study gave to the WWE (WWF at the time). I hope you've enjoyed reading this somewhat brutal breakdown of a Christmas favourite! I can imagine that you won't watch Home Alone in the same way again!!

If you haven't already; get yourself a copy of Foley is Good. It's over 11 years old now but will still have you in stitches!

Merry Christmas! @jimmosangle